Sunday, January 25, 2009

A Voice

Today is one of those days. A late night last night (unavoidable) is, of course, kicking my butt today. But those around me will never know if I can help it...

My left eye is exhausted... it doesn't want to see everything I want it to. My shoulder is aching... after several pain-free weeks... spasticity is something I never ever thought of until MS... now it's a daily thing... often minor enough to be ignored... but just as often not.

It makes me angry... this illness that so quietly has taken so much of my inner life... my hidden life... captive.

The choices are to
A) Whine and complain... which I obviously am doing here... but genuinely despise in myself and others.
B) Put on a happy face and deal with it... protecting the family around me from the sordid details of what's going on beneath the surface.

I have no tolerance for whining... my own or that of others... and so I sincerely try to avoid it whenever possible. As a result, others assume that I'd doing great... my own fault.

I want a world where people factor in this illness... and acknowledge its presence... without surrendering to its demands. I want to be considered without becoming 'poor me'... I don't want pity... really, I don't... no sympathy, please... but I do want empathy.

My goal in writing this is to perhaps be the voice for others who feel the same way and like me, hesitate to say it out loud.... perhaps in writing the words, we are all given validity and value.

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